the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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