Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
