I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
