if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
