Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
