so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
