That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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