my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
