to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
