I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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