The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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