you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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