My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
