I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
