Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
