New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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