I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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