we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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