If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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