shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I wear drunk well.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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