I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
