If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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