A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
