It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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