Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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