apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize