I hate your face
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
