dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
