Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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