Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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