i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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