guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
