What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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