Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
