Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
