just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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