She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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