I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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