Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
