words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
