I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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