I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Duck Duck Cougar?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
