I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
