You made me cry and you don't even care
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
