I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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