you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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