He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
last night I used snow as a chaser
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
