There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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