so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
