i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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