i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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