i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
