My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
