Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
