I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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