sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
