my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so let's talk penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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