A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize