I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
