I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And my parents said I crawled through the house
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
