Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
