my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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