nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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