We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize